Merry Elf-mas!

Christmas is over, but I'm confident enough to speak for all of us and say we've all still got the sugar slumbers.  I ate Dippin Dots for lunch yesterday.  Dippin dots.  I just watched my dog eat a jelly bean.  (Is that dangerous for them?  Someone tell me if that's dangerous.)

But ALSO, people for the most part turn into elves for the Christmas season, and strange things happen.

When it comes to this weekend's beer selection, I'm not sure if that fits into Buddy's food groups.  Do elves drink?  Which elf is responsible for this Oddsides release, Boozy The Elf?  Let's clink.

Oddsides Merry Elf

So here's the plan - I don't think Buddy The Elf is into beers, but I'm going to have him do as much of the review as possible, with limited commentary from myself.  It'll be fun.  The label says it's made with candi sugar and orange peel, which sounds very christmassy.

Appearance - 

I picked the bottle because it's designed like a Christmas sweater.  The beer is dark and transparent-ish, which looks really cool.  It's like coca-cola, super pretty. (4.5/5)

Smell - 

I don't think Buddy and I are going to agree on a lot here. I think it smells like year-old Christmas cookie tins.  I made the mistake one year of putting chocolate peanut butter cookies in the same tin that peppermint cookies were in previously, which resulted in peppermint chocolate peanut butter mutant cookies. (3.5/5)

Taste - 

Buddy The Elf doesn't know his coffee.  Secondary flavors I can pick up on include the brown crayon, wet bark, and chewed-up cheap cigars.  But the primary flavor is DEFINITELY burnt popcorn, 100%.  It's like that one household every year whose Christmas tree catches on fire, AND they somehow ruined Christmas dinner, so all they have available to eat on Christmas is the burned popcorn-garland from the sad tree. Although, that's when Chinese becomes a really good choice. (2.5/5)

You would like this beer if you sit on a throne of lies.

A good occasion to drink this beer:  During long visits to relatives' houses for the holidays.  Gotta make it through somehow.

Overall:  Whenever something tastes EXACTLY like something else, and the something else is not very pleasant, and/or not meant to be consumed as a beverage, it's really hard for me to get on board.  It's like, who even likes the buttered popcorn Jelly Belly?  That's not supposed to be a sweet treat. A better way to spend your holiday vacation would be making snow angels for two hours, then going ice skating, then eating a whole roll of Tollhouse cookie dough as fast as you can, then to finish it off, snuggling. (3.5/5)

SPRUCED Up for Christmas!

Hello girlfriends, and others!

Teaser, this week's blog includes TWO nondescript photos of Boyfriend.  But before I do the thing with the review, I have to tell you what happened.  I did something this week.

(Imagine suspenseful auditory tones...)

Girlfriend's Guide now has an Instagram!  Because I'm just crazy about finding more ways to communicate with my huge audience, or whoever.  So look up @girlfriends_g2b to follow me!  I've posted four things so far, half of which are already posted here.  The other half are one preview of the post you're about to read, and one behind-the-scenes beer-related picture from my life.  (I would follow it.  I mean, I do follow it.)  Soooo that was a fun sales pitch.  Here's the thing now.

Short's Brewing Company - Juicy Tree

Boyfriend returned from Thanksgiving with FOUR cool new beers and ONE cool bottle of whiskey.  I don't like the whiskey, but two things:  FIRST, on our 2nd date we went to a cool jazz club in Detroit and I ordered an old fashioned because I'd never had it before, and it sounded cool...I spent the whole night waiting for the ice to melt so I could drink it.  SECOND, I don't know why this originated, but Boyfriend makes a delicious whiskey cosmo--take your best whiskey, and mix in two packets of Crystal Light.  I think we did lemon and watermelon...or something else red and yellow.  He hasn't made that for me in a while, because it's not a good way to use expensive whiskey...or it's the best way.

But anyway, the beers!  This was one of them, and I don't think he said he thought I'd love it, but I'm pretty sure he said I'd love reviewing it, so here's hoping.  

According to the bottle, this is an experimental IPA brewed with spruce tips, cranberries, and juniper berries.  Boyfriend thought that would make it the perfect review to welcome in the Christmas season.

Appearance:  I'm really into all these bubbles, making everything all twinkly and stuff.  They make the glass look like a really excited lava lamp who's getting ready to go to a disco club. (4.5/5)

Smell:  That campsite that's always full of rowdy teens. The kind who wear those drug rugs, but who are also really in tune with nature. (3/5)

Taste:  Hot dang, it's like drinking a few of the 2/$22 three-wick candles from Bath & Body Works.  It's like when you were at recess in elementary school, and you learned about trees and maple syrup production, then you noticed sap on a tree at recess, so you licked it and it was like, the worst recess decision ever.  Halfway through the glass I thought I could power through the spruce farm molting on my tongue if I could just focus on the berry flavors.  I think the berry flavors lost that fight, and I'm pretty sure half of the glass is still sitting on Boyfriend's kitchen table several days later.
But also, because it tastes like a tree, it makes you think, "Oooh, this is so organic, I feel like I'm living off the land!  I can feel the health benefits sloshing around already!" (2/5)

You can hardly tell where the tree ends and the beer begins.

Feel:  Prickly.  (1.5/5)

You might like this beer if you're an adorable woodland creature.  Maybe a woodpecker.  Or if you're an old guy who tried to hike the Appalachian Trail, but you got lost somewhere in Vermont, and you've been living off of old moss and doe urine for the past 35 years.

This Beer's Pop Culture Counterpart:  I was thinking Ents.  But Boyfriend's idea was perfect:  those terrifying old Christmas claymation movies!  I think maybe the Snow Miser.

Overall:  At the end of the summer, we got to take a weekend in northern Michigan, which included lunch at Short's!  A power outage closed the restaurant for a day or so, but we got there just as they re-opened, and so we got to avoid the ridiculous wait!  I had ham and cinnamon mac & cheese, which I really need to make for Christmas; it was so perfect.  I'll put some pictures from the drive to and from Short's at the end of the post.

Gotta be honest, I really wasn't a fan of the overwhelming Christmas cheer singing loud for my mouth to hear...but Shorts fed me really good mac & cheese.  AND (#funfact) Short's Soft Parade was the first craft beer I've ever had, so that's good, right??  Otherwise I'd still be drinking nothing but Miller Lite and Angry Orchard. (2.75/5)

Mkay, time for vacation slides!

This is the beer flight we got from Short's!  I don't remember what they are, but I think the one second from the right is key lime pie.  And look at that pretty gradient in the row of glasses!

On the drive away, we passed through Elk Rapids and came across just about the most fricken majestic vision I've ever seen.  We rounded a corner, and the first thing we saw were five sets of huuuuge antlers.  There are elks in elk rapids!  Because I was driving, we pulled over to watch them be amazing.  This is a bad quality zoomed in photo because Boyfriend wouldn't let me get out of the car and pet it and feed it our roadtrip snacks.  Shortly after the picture, this guy galloped away, antlers blowing in the wind.  I wanna ride one.

This is where we stopped to look for petoskey stones.  There was a sand/rock-bar, so I got to take off my shoes, roll up my pants, and tread out.  Boyfriend didn't follow, because jeans are struggle-cages.  Can you see how troubled he looks?

Love,

Girlfriend

Dogfish Head Festina Peche...more like FESTERING peche

Hi friends!

So I don't know if any of you girlfriends or boyfriends relate to this, but here's how it works with us:  more often than not, I know I'll like a drink if boyfriend hates it, or vice versa.  I like coffee in my cream, he likes just a splash of cream and sweetener; I like framboise, he likes whiskey, etc.  Take this review as an example of one of those times.  The jury is hung, extremely.

Dogfish Head Festina Peche

The liquor store had a deal where you get something free if you buy a 6-pack of this...or maybe it was you'd get a bottle of this free with a 6-pack of something...something free, I don't know.  So that was alluring, and then that raccoon on the bottle is just so funny.  You can look into his eyes and practically hear him chattering at you.  (There was a raccoon living in the dumpster at my office for a while, and he looked exactly like this guy, I know.)  Chicka chicka chicka, indeed.  And as we learned in my last installment, lacking any other direction, I'll usually choose the one with the cute animal on it.  Just look how furry and friendly!

Appearance:  Apple juice-y, with some caramel color.  Caramel apple juice!  Do you guys eat those caramel apple pops?  I like them, but they're such a commitment...you don't eat caramels the same way you eat suckers, so how are you supposed to approach those? You can't suck on it OR chew it, but they're so tasty...and I found them in red and yellow apple flavor too!  The yellow ones ACTUALLY taste like golden delicious.  How often do green apple candies actually taste like granny smith apples?  Rarely.  So that was impressive!  And the beer looks promising too. (4/5)

Smell:  Not quite as peachy as the raccoon on the bottle is trying to tell me...peaches aren't usually really sour, are they?  Because this smells sour.  Less promising, but at this point I was still committed.  (3/5)

Taste:  No.  Nope.  I was SO startled by the flavor that I could hear my mouth rejecting me, and I started choking on it promptly, which boyfriend thought was hilarious.  There's a certain kind of beer he likes because (according to him) it's sour...according to me, it tastes like puke throat.  You know, after you barf and you can taste all of your recycled stomach acid and bad decisions - that is SPOT ON what this tastes like.  It tastes like the morning after...like the morning after everything.  Every bad choice you could make, this is the flavor you're subjected to in the morning, I'm sure.  But it's DEFINITELY not the morning after peaches.  No peaches were harmed.  (1.75/5)

Feel:  Stomach acid and regret.  It's like that raccoon from the bottle is trying to claw its way through my throat to find warmth for the winter...but it's crisp and otherwise refreshing I guess. (2/5)

This Beer's Pop Culture Counterpart:  The inside of Ke$ha's mouth, pre-rehab.

You would like this beer if you're my boyfriend.  While I was gagging up a storm in his kitchen, he was pleasantly sipping away.  And I quote, "Huh. This is pretty good!"  Balance is restored in the universe, I guess.

Overall:  Dat raccoon doe.  (2.7/5)

The fish mitt isn't so sure.

"How Now Brown Cow" and Other Lessons in Elocution

Curiosity got the best of me at the grocery store this week when I noticed Oddside's How Now Brown Cow.  The packaging was about as devoid of descriptors as possible...but it's got a cute cow on it!  Anyone who's ever been looked in the eyes by a cow knows you just can't resist their charm.

But I honestly have no idea what this drink's deal is.  It's a brown ale, but I don't know what that means, sooo...like, coffee?  Chocolate?  Cows?  Is it hamburger flavored?  I don't think so, but you can never be too sure.  The only other thing printed on the bottle says "the arsonist has oddly shaped feet," and I've decided that's a Chicago fire reference.  You know, the cow and everything.  I'll come back to that one.

Appearance:  Much darker than the average brown cow, but just about as foamy.  (3/5)

Smell:  Reviewing beer is hard, you guys.  The smell wasn't very strong at all, and in trying to get a better handle on some kind of description, I definitely got a big nose full of foam.  I don't think that happens to professionals...ughh, don't tell anybody.
So I would say...Halloween refuse, mixed with socks...clean socks though!  Like someone in brand new socks (the really cushiony kind) stomped all of their Halloween chocolates together into a paste...and then watered it down like crazy, for whatever reason. (3.5/5)

Taste:  So first I was thinking like, burnt paper...like from those colonialism projects you worked on in 4th grade when you'd burn the edges of a piece of regular paper to turn it instantly into Paul Revere's very own letterhead.  Then THAT made me think of early American settlers in general, which made me think of Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special.  If that episode had a flavor, I was thinking this might be it.

But THEN, on the second glass, I realized it tastes almost certainly like burnt Nutella...which I guess would have fit in well at Charlie Brown's table. (3.75/5)

Feel:  About as wet as you'd expect a beverage to be, I guess. (5/5)

You would like this beer if you just started a very large fire (accidentally, of course), and you need something to take the edge off (because, you know, the devastation), and also you have udders.
Or if you're a Native American, shaking your head after all the work you've put in to teach settlers how to farm autonomously, then they go and feast on jelly beans, toast, and burnt Nutella.

Overall:  Don't drink this right after spitting out a piece of cool mint Orbit gum.   Otherwise, you're in the clear.  (3.8/5)

This is my dog, and I PROMISE he's never consumed any alcohol!  He took one sniff and immediately said no to drinking.  He's very responsible.  He'd be a great DD if his legs were longer than three inches.

Unity Vibration Raspberry Kombucha...more like kom-BELCH-a

(Before we start, a note to y'all:

Hello pseudo-enthusiasts!  Before I get down to business, I feel like I should clarify some expectations for you (because the foremost source of conflicts is unequal expectations).  If you're looking for a good solid beer reviewing blog...well shoot, this is the one!  Mostly just because I'm not sure what "on the nose" is, or what maltiness tastes like, or what flavor plant root I'm supposed to be noticing when I drink.  What that leaves us with is a totally, 100% accurate summary of what you're ACTUALLY tasting when you drink, written in a 65% satirical way. I'm pretty sure my opinions are infallible.

Boyfriend is sort of a beer enthusiast, and when he asks me what I think about his beer finds, I kind of feel like the cat who presents dead birds to its people as some sort of terrible prize.  My reviews are the dead bird...but in a good way?  I guess we'll see.

Love, Girlfriend)

Unity Vibration Raspberry Kombucha Beer

Boyfriend picked this one up because UV is opening a tap room near him, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't like this, but he wanted to make sure.  I don't think it's too hard to find, if you're so inclined; I saw it at a Whole Foods this morning.  It's an American Wild Ale,
Here's the thing though, if you've never tried or heard of kombucha, Google SCOBY before you try beer's take on it.  And then Google blobfish and TELL ME they don't look just like each other.


Appearance:  So pretty!  We'd just opened a nice fancy bottle of Diet Cranberry Gingerale, and this looks just like that, just a little bit cloudier. (4.5/5)

Aroma:  I feel like this is something you'd get in trouble for huffing back in high school.  It's like someone pissed in a bucket of really really old simple syrup and hate crimes.  Like, if discrimination had a scent, this would be it. (1.5/5)

Taste:  This is straight up acetone.  My nailpolish is chipping hardcore right now, and I'm about 90% sure I can just dip them in the glass and clean them right up.  There's a crisp, enjoyable berry flavor in there somewhere, but you reeeeeally have to be committed to the flavor, because for the first 10 seconds, you'll really really want to die.  But after that, it's nice! (2/5)

Feel:  I hate it.  At first you might think, "oh, this is about to be crisp and refreshing," then it goes ham on your face. (I-Hate-It/5)

You might enjoy this beer if you were maybe the 4th runner up in the Miss Teen Indiana competition, and you're looking to drink away the failure, but also you hate yourself just a little bit, so you'll choose this over a much tastier drink...maybe framboise or something.  Or you might go for this if you're up for a challenge.  That's how I felt as I committed to finishing the bottle...before boyfriend lovingly dumped the last little bit.  Always looking out for me.

This Beer's Pop Culture Counterpart:  Georgina Sparks from Gossip Girl.  Homegirl is crazy.

Overall:  It might be worth a try just because of how unique it is, and I'm sure it'd be a good pairing with dessert or something.  But it makes me hate myself.  But you should try it. (2.7/5)

Look how pretty and deceptive it is.